I realised the other day I hadn’t written a post in quite a long time so I thought it was about time I wrote an update on everything that has been going on. First of all, I can hardly believe it’s now been over 6 months since the worst day of my life. It seems like a lifetime, yet at the same time – time has just flown by. I’ve just finished my exams and my first semester and am currently on a three week break. Coming home for the holidays has made me realise just how much I have grown in these 6 months, it has also made me realise how glad I am that I pushed myself to go back to Wellington this year. In the first few weeks after my brother was killed I remember people saying to me that “time would help” and I would learn to live again – when I heard those words then I felt angry and thought there was no way I’d ever feel the desire to live and be happy again. I now realise they were right. While I am obviously still grieving, and I will always be grieving, the grief is deeper and is starting to become a “normal” part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong I constantly miss Ira and I feel an ongoing sadness, but those feelings are deeper set within me now – and while I have not ‘accepted’ them, they have become my new normal. My love and lust for life and happiness is shining through my sadness, and I have an urge to live for both myself and Ira again. I got through my first semester with many ups and downs, and I have learnt a lot about the person I am. The relationships I have with Ira’s (my) friends have grown stronger and our connection means everything to me. I can just imagine Ira looking down on us smiling. At the 6 month mark I realise how good Wellington has been for me and my grief, not only has it been a great distraction and escape, it has also grown my independence, strength, will, and determination. A few months ago I would have said that I didn’t want to continue on with my life, and that I’d never want to live again – but so much has changed since then. I still am scarred with the imprinted image of my brothers lifeless body in his coffin and the fact that he’s gone is still so fucking surreal, but I am also learning to live on for the both of us. There are days when I just miss his so much and my longing to see his smiling face again overwhelms me, but I also have an internal strength in me that rises me above and keeps me from being dragged under by my grief. I am learning to live with my grief, it is deeply set within me now, and although it still resurfaces often I have learnt ways of dealing with it. Coming back to Napier is very draining now, seeing my mum is incredibly hard – it’s almost like I’ve lost my mum too in some ways. While I’m hurting deeply over the loss of Ira, she seems to have gotten worse in the 6 months and makes constant remarks about not wanting to go on and she simply just “doesn’t care” about anything anymore. She’s lost all interest in anything in life and it hurts me to see her that way. As bad and selfish as it sounds, I am so glad that I didn’t stay here this year.
Half a year.
28 Saturday Jun 2014
Posted Uncategorized
in