There’s no mistaking that I have been struggling a lot this year. There’s no real particular reason for it (aside from the obvious), and I honestly can’t even explain these lows myself – which is perhaps why I like to write down how I am feeling so I can try to understand it a bit more. I think we all have these expectations for ourselves as we grow up – get a good job that’s in your chosen career field, find someone you love and want to be with, save money, travel, have lots of friends and be happy. We place so much pressure on ourselves and perhaps think that it’s only through these ‘successes’ that we can truly be find happiness. I think that’s perhaps what has lead me to my incredibly low feelings I have been experiencing lately. When I look at myself I do not see success, sometimes I think the only success is that I’m still alive. There have been times recently where I have really questioned my existence – thought about what it’d be like to just leave the world, and sometimes it seems like all I want to do. Before anyone reading this gets worried that I’m going to take my own life – I’m not so you can stop worrying. I have experienced first hand what death and loss does to you and your loved ones, and I’m not about to put anyone through that hell, even if I do experience feelings of hopelessness.

I’m not writing this to seek attention, I simply don’t know how else to channel my feelings and thoughts without being a burden – and I really do struggle with telling anyone how I actually am feeling. We all know it’s so much easier to just say you’re okay than admit that you’re actually not doing so well. If I was to be 100% honest to someone I would say – I often feel extremely empty, I want to cry almost 24/7 and there are days where I could easily stay in bed all day and avoid everyone. I have no idea where I’m heading in life, people around me are achieving massive things and doing amazing stuff and I am still absolutely clueless with what I am wanting to do and basically just go through the motions of life without any real passion or zest for anything. I still can’t completely fathom losing my brother and I quite honestly don’t think I ever will. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t help but pick apart every single flaw – I know the exterior is so unimportant but I really struggle with self esteem and poor self image. I feel extremely disconnected from a lot of my friends – I don’t know why that is and I don’t know if they feel it too or if it’s all in my head. I drink a lot to try and hide how I am truly feeling. I almost feel like someone has sucked all of my energy and motivation out of me and I don’t know how to get it back.

Now you see, it is a lot easier to just say “I’m okay”, isn’t it?