Here I am in a foreign city with no friends and I have never felt so lonely in my life. Loneliness is a dangerous thing, being alone doesn’t always bother me – it’s being lonely that I can’t handle. Being alone in my thoughts is not a good thing. Lately my mood has hit a low, I put this fake act on but inside I feel nothing but emptiness. It’s like I numb everything out so I don’t have to feel the pain that is surrounding me.
I’m so scared for the future, my direction in life doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel passionate about anything. I don’t LIVE I just breath and get through the days. My body image has gotten bad again, I look at myself and only see flaws. Cottage cheese thighs, cellulite, stretch marks, pudgy tummy, red toned skin.I feel this intense self inflicted pressure to exercise everyday, when I don’t I feel like a lazy bloated whale. I know that’s ridiculous but the mind is a very powerful thing. Whenever I’m around others I feel this heavy insecurity weighing on my shoulders. I think so much about everything I’m doing. I just want to be, but I don’t know how. I can see that my negativity and emptiness is drowning me, but I don’t have the energy to do anything about it.
It doesn’t help being in a different city where I can easily shut myself away without anyone asking if I’m okay or making me get out of my room. My diet has been poor, my motivation to exercise has gone down the drain, all I want to do is sleep the hours and days away. I feel like being back in Napier a lot of the time, but whenever I go back it’s like a weird mix of happy, warm and secure feelings and a deep sadness with the realisation that home can never ever be the same again. Seeing my parents is both happy and draining. Instead of doing something about myself and making some changes, I’ll end up just trying to fix my internal problems with food and alcohol. It’s a vicious cycle.